Our agony aunt, agonising, as she does

Dear Aunt Agatha,

It’s taken me a long time to decide to write to you, just as it does for me to decide anything. I’m a big wheel in London, but most wheels in London are running more slowly since I’ve had anything to do with it. That’s the essence of my problem. My job requires me to do stuff, but I don’t like to do stuff that some people might object to. People describe me as an underachiever, but that’s frankly laughable. I’ve written more press releases, and louder press releases, than any of my predecessors.

Look, Agatha, I want to be thought of as an over-achiever. I want to be the guy who speaks boldly against body-shaming ads, who shouts about pollution, and who declaims firmly against violent crime, while always managing to blame somebody else for these things. I want to be a hero without the effort of actually being heroic.

I’m called “flip-flop” because I signed Jeremy Corbyn’s nomination then opposed him, because I changed my position on the Garden Bridge five times, because I first backed Heathrow expansion then opposed it, and because I spoke about 80,000 socially rented homes without actually building any. This misses the point that I didn’t do any harm on these things. I didn’t do anything at all. There’s no teeth to any of this, just as there wasn’t to my childhood ambition of becoming a dentist. I went into law instead, but never actually sank my teeth into that either.

I’m harmless, and I want to make that my selling point. What should I do?

(signed) “Citizen K.”

Dear “Citizen K,”

Relax. Everyone agrees you’re doing fine by not doing anything at all. But you need to add excitement, and to build up your profile without actually building anything else.

I suggest you take on Momentum. This will not be difficult, given your stance as a Social Democrat, if anyone these days even knows what that means. Enrage them and infuriate them by a series of Trump-style tweets. They’ll troll you and threaten you, and your popularity will skyrocket without your needing to do anything. That suits your style.

Be careful though, and wear a stab-vest when you go out. We all know that statistically you’re more likely to be stabbed when you leave home in London than to reach your destination on time.

People will warn that without Momentum’s power behind you, out on the streets, knocking on doors, doing social media, you’ll be short of help. Nonsense. You don’t need it. Even if the Tories ran the Duchess of Cambridge or the Duchess of Sussex, you’d probably still get a landslide.

Just do it, and shut up about Europe. You’ll be fine.

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