Ask Aunt Agatha #1 – Promising Political Career

A Somewhat Promising Political Career

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Dear Aunt Agatha,

I have a serious problem and need advice.  I had a promising political career and had achieved high office.  I worked with a friend and colleague on a major project in which we were successful.  Unfortunately, one of my kitchen knives inadvertently found its way into my colleague’s back, thwarting his political ambitions, and giving me the reputation of a treacherous, back-stabbing git.  This has severely damaged my future prospects.  Can you suggest any way in which I might redress this and restore my reputation?

Signed “M”

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Dear “M,”

I recommend a tangential approach.  The likelihood is that you will always be regarded as a back-stabbing git, so why not branch out in a totally new direction?  Why not re-invent yourself as a greener-than-green environmentalist?  Start eating quinoa, wearing sandals, and enthusiastically championing green causes that you have never previously shown affinity for.  This will divert attention away from your unfortunate record and will appeal to a whole new constituency of support.  Although people will not forgive your previous behavior, your newfound support for environmental issues will dominate the limelight and push your past actions aside.  But I strongly advise you to fit a stronger lock to your kitchen knife-drawer.

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Aunt Agatha
Agatha Antigone is satirical. She has a weekly Wednesday column at the Continental Telegraph and was born in Central Europe in 1965. Her claims of descent from Romanian aristocracy cannot be authenticated because her papers were all destroyed in the Bosnian War. She holds a Diploma in Structural Studies from the Fritz Meyer Institute of the University of Bucharest, and is the author of several academic monographs. Her media career, launched in Pecob magazine, now features columns in over 30 publications. She found international fame with the celebrated letter-opener hand-stabbing incident with a US journalist live on CNN. Her best-selling book, “The Tobacco and Alcohol Diet,” was published in 17 languages, derided though it was by academic nutritionists. Her infamous public marriage to a Carpathian sheepdog was formally annulled by the Pope and Patriarch of the Eastern Orthodox Church, though it further confirmed her international celebrity status. She took out Maltese citizenship in 2015, and now resides on the island of Gozo with her partner of 23 years and three teenage children.

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Mr Womby
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Mr Womby

Is she, by any chance, related to the late Marje Proops?

Quentin Vole
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Quentin Vole

The bio reads rather like those great contributors to The RegisterOtto Z. Stern and Steve ¡Bong!.

user
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Maybe a distant cousin?

jgh
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jgh

And to show that you are a respector of people’s rights, ensure you don’t strip life-long residents of their citizenship and start deporting them.