New claims have emerged that former US President Donald Trump, and British Brexit doner Aaron Banks, had Russian connections in the 2010s.
Veteran conspiracy theorist Wilder Shores made the claim after undergoing the latest hypnotic regression therapy thechnique recently made compulsory by President-for-Life, Her Holiness, the Re-animated Hillary Clinton.
‘I saw it all so clearly, it was definitely definitely Trump and some British frog-faced fellow who was drinking a big glass of beer, and the Russians and some aliens, and Trump and the British guy were being given chests of treasure and gold mines, and then the Russians stuck microchips into their necks to control them,’ said an excited Shores.
‘I now remember that I wrote all this down in 2016 for the FBI but the Trump administration suppressed it and put memory blockers in my grass juice so I forgot it all.’
The FBI has confirmed that Shores’ re-collections will be admissable as evidence in the next automatic trial. ‘We’ll need to tweak it a bit,’ an FBI spokeman said, ‘but basically it will go on the record as the undoubted truth.’
Her Holiness Clinton is expected to re-animate the corpses of Trump and Banks, who were both first executed in 2031, and announce further charges against them, charges which are expected to lead to yet another execution for both of them. Similar charges, convictions and executions were carried out in 2035, 2038, 2042, 2047, 2049, and every year since.
In related news, Dr Zimka Stichery has been given further grants to continue his pioneering work on re-animation. ‘I’m very grateful to her Holiness for the financial support,’ said Dr Stichery, ‘because without further research, the body of Donald Trump just won’t survive many more re-animations and executions. The hair, of course, is fine, that will last forever, but drawing and quartering his body so often takes a toll on it.’
Banks’ body, however, is reportedly in good shape.
‘The body of Banks — or is it Farage? — seems to be pickled in some sort of preserving fluid, and it’s basically indestructible,’ said Stichery.
A White House spokeswoman said the White House was looking at an alternative method of execution for Trump this time, in order to relieve the progressive damage to Trump’s torso. ‘There’s only so many times you can sew a body back together, so we’re considering a witch-style drowning this time,’ the spokeswoman said. ‘Our scientists are looking into what damage would be caused to the lungs by this method, and whether it would be compatible with the re-animation process’.
I thought that a doner had something to do with kebabs.
Dammit, can’t edit it now it’s been published.
Dammit, can’t edit it now it’s been published.
I thought that a doner had something to do with kebabs.