Quality hitmen, these Russians.

I mean, we can all presumably accept that in amongst the rough and tumble of high stakes geopolitics, any given nation and its intelligence services will have (or can concoct) a reason to bump off a rival from almost any other country.

I bet even the Pitcairn Islanders can conceive of a reason to have a pop at Justin Trudeau, for example.

So that’s motive taken care of – what are the other two?

Oh yes, means and opportunity.

Well, the Skripals weren’t exactly armed to the teeth in their underground nuclear bunker fortress, with a supply of tinned food to last a hundred years, their knuckles white on the triggers of Skorpion machine pistols, right?

From what I understand, they were wandering around Salisbury in plain sight, arm-in-arm, popping in to the pub for a pint and a meal together?

Bold as brass.


Picture the scene – Ivan the scarred veteran of a dozen special forces encounters and a decade working some of the most dangerous arenas in the world. A CV that includes Afghanistan, Chechnya, Western Africa, and now is going to take him to the heart of darkness itself.


What weaponry will he need?

Twin uzis and some grenades? A minigun and an ammo pack?

A tank?

No wait – too obvious. It’s a sleepy town in Southern England Ivan you fool – it has to be like dog farts. Silent, but reliably lethal.

A garrotte? Risky – there’s two of them. What if they’re tooled up?

I have it – how about one of the deadliest nerve agents know to man? A military-grade nerve agent so toxic and lethal that one TEASPOON of this shit will kill every living organism in a twelve-block radius. Put a drop of it in their shoes ad they will both be dead before they get to the front door.

Nah don’t bother – just liberally smear a load of it on the front door.

Wait. Won’t using a nerve agent with a Russian origin put us in the spotlight?

Screw it.

And what about the postman?

*dramatic pause*

In war, people die.

Lookit – if Ivan is their best man and he couldn’t reliably dispose of an elderly spy and his daughter with this extravagant combination of means and opportunity, then I don’t think we should worry too much about the Russians.

But of course this is all nonsense – you’d have to be bloody stupid to believe any of it.

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Exactly. May, Trump and a couple of others have been suckered. I’m only surprised that no WMDs have turned up in the investigation.

Tony Querfotze
Tony Querfotze



look up “Boysie Oaks” and “Callan”
The best guys will turn down that sort of job. The only time I turned down a bout was some guy from London University who’d had two bouts to my sixteen and I thought he had no chance.