Ask Agatha #7 – Ten Days Every Week


Dear Aunt Agatha,

People underestimate me and it’s beginning to rankle. I could put it down to racism or sexism, but if it continues, it could threaten my career. For example, people say I’m not very good at radio interviews, when the truth is that I spend 10 days every week learning to improve my communication skills. They ignore my 27 years with a TV company, and my 54-year stint as press officer for a major public body. As everyone acknowledges, I was thought good there and my boss never accused me of sleeping on the job.

People also criticize what they call my “vagueness” with numbers, mistakenly supposing that it matters. If we are to have 6,000 additional police officers, does it matter if they are paid £900 each, or £199,000? It is the principle that matters, not the accuracy. And what’s a couple of billion pounds, here and there?  Like many of my colleagues, I sent my son to a private school, even though we continue to campaign against them.

Please advise me on how to break away from these negative images that so seriously undervalue me.

(signed) “D”


Dear “D,”

You are right that they undervalue you, and you do need to strike out in a new direction to divert attention away from these trivial criticisms. The obvious route is through more television, and I suggest you avoid boring them with politics, and gain a reputation as an entertaining figure of fun. “Strictly Come Dancing” should be your first foray into this world, followed immediately by “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.” People will warm to your pluck and persistence as you bounce around, and learn to love you. Look what it did to rehabilitate Ed Balls. The house you’re currently elected to doesn’t really suit you, so your next step should be a spell in the “Big Brother” house itself, which would be vastly more watchable if you could contrive to have another public figure needing rehabilitation to join you there – maybe Ken Livingstone?

Agatha xxx

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Aunt Agatha
Agatha Antigone is satirical. She has a weekly Wednesday column at the Continental Telegraph and was born in Central Europe in 1965. Her claims of descent from Romanian aristocracy cannot be authenticated because her papers were all destroyed in the Bosnian War. She holds a Diploma in Structural Studies from the Fritz Meyer Institute of the University of Bucharest, and is the author of several academic monographs. Her media career, launched in Pecob magazine, now features columns in over 30 publications. She found international fame with the celebrated letter-opener hand-stabbing incident with a US journalist live on CNN. Her best-selling book, “The Tobacco and Alcohol Diet,” was published in 17 languages, derided though it was by academic nutritionists. Her infamous public marriage to a Carpathian sheepdog was formally annulled by the Pope and Patriarch of the Eastern Orthodox Church, though it further confirmed her international celebrity status. She took out Maltese citizenship in 2015, and now resides on the island of Gozo with her partner of 23 years and three teenage children. Agatha tweets at:

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Hallowed Be
Hallowed Be

Pish and piffle. Don’t listen to the haters D. There is some advice, though, to take you to the next level, is avoid criticising anyone who could plainly do your job far better than you. That will allow people to hear what you are saying without laughter inhibiting them.


Dear D, your primary problem (which you know already), is lots of clever white people that stick together, and don’t take kindly to load-mouthed, know-nothing, innumerate cunts demanding respect and top jobs simply cos they’re a VICTIM of excess melanin. Try relocating somewhere like the West Indies, where the local mama’s really know how to bring up their kids – though you may have to forego the 5-a-day KFC bucket snacks and get better acquainted with once-a-day peas n’ rice lunches.

Rhoda Klapp
Rhoda Klapp

Some people cannot be underestimated.